There Might Be Only One List of This Kind

Ten people who could outcoach Bo Schembechler in a Rose Bowl:

--The UCLA coach.

--The Washington coach.

--The Washington State coach.

--The Stanford coach.

--The Cal coach.

--The Oregon coach.

--The Oregon State coach.

--The Arizona State coach.

--The Arizona coach, whoever he is.

--The USC coach, who used to be the Arizona coach.

Ten people who were considered for the USC coaching job before Larry Smith :

--Hayden Fry.

--Jimmy Johnson.

--O.J. Simpson.

--Arnold Palmer.

--Oprah Winfrey.

--ALF.

--The Arizona assistant coach.

--The Arizona strength coach.

--The Golden Child.

--Gene Mauch.

(But not Schembechler.)

Ten reasons why Hayden Fry was willing to leave Iowa :

--Some irate booster stuck an ear of corn in his tailpipe.

--He only had 19 years left on his contract.

--He already had been turned down for the Iowa State job.

--He thought he’d finally have a chance to win the Rose Bowl.

--He still hadn’t had a chance to get to Disneyland.

--He mistakenly thought it was the University of South Carolina job that was open.

--He heard Steven Spielberg directed USC’s game films.

--He heard that USC played at the Coliseum, and he had never been to Italy.

--He was tired of attending Iowa City cocktail parties (both of them).

--He was eager to escape the Big Ten, now that Northwestern’s so much better.

Ten teams the L.A. Clippers might be able to beat :

--Penn State.

--Moses Malone and any four guys from Petersburg, Va.

--USA Today’s top-ranked high school team.

--The Australian Kookaburras.

--The New Jersey Nets’ second-string.

--USA Today’s bottom-ranked high school team.

--The Hungarian national team.

--The Hartford Whalers.

--Loyola. (Any Loyola.)

--Any intra-squad opponent.

Ten reasons why Miami was beaten in the Fiesta Bowl:

--Jimmy Johnson couldn’t get his headphones over his hair.

--Miami couldn’t adjust to the change of climate.

--Nobody reminded Vinny Testaverde that his receivers were the ones wearing the same color jersey he was.

--Miami players were more concerned about State Pen than Penn State.

--Those games against Northern Illinois, Cincinnati and East Carolina had worn the poor Hurricanes to a frazzle.

--Joe Paterno had phoned his good friend God before the game for a scouting report.

--The Fiesta Bowl had only promised Miami $2.4 million to play, not to play well.

--The only thing a team from Coral Gables can beat a team from State College in is synchronized swimming.

--The players left their steroids in their other pants.

--Miami will never win another bowl game until it joins the Pac-10.

Ten ways the Cleveland Browns can make it to the Super Bowl:

--By bus.

--By airplane, assuming airplanes service Cleveland.

--If Mark Moseley can make at least half of his tries from inside the five.

--If they can just stop high-fiving long enough to remember to show up for the AFC championship game.

--If free tickets were promised to any player who can spell the coach’s name.

--Bernie Kosar must refuse Jimmy Johnson’s phone calls.

--Any time Kosar calls a pass play inside the five, Kevin Mack and Curtis Dickey must hit him hard in the face with their fists.

--The people of Cleveland must come to life, which is not particularly easy to do in Cleveland.

--If the New England Patriots provide the opposition, the Browns must absolutely insist upon pregame drug testing.

--Free tickets go to anybody who realizes that Schottenheimer is not the Cincinnati Reds’ owner’s dog.

Ten things William (The Refrigerator) Perry didn’t eat this season:

--Penn State.

--Soldier Field.

--His house.

--Tomorrow’s six meals.

--A sack of quarterbacks.

--Dexter Manley.

--The Fiesta Bowl.

--The Fiesta Platter.

--Artificial turf.

--Artificial surf ‘n’ turf.

Ten New Year’s resolutions by Bill Parcells of the New York Giants:

--Buy a hat.

--Buy an umbrella.

--Fill Harry Carson’s helmet with chocolate pudding.

--Say something interesting for a change.

--Hire Mike Ditka’s writers.

--Wonder how a team with Joe Morris and without William Perry can call itself the Giants.

--Monitor Lawrence Taylor’s off-season whereabouts at all times.

--Wonder how a team that plays in New Jersey can call itself New York.

--Borrow Phil Simms’ bottle of peroxide.

--Make sure San Francisco doesn’t try again to steal a team called the New York Giants.

Ten reasons why Tampa Bay should not bother drafting Vinny Testaverde: --Because he probably will play baseball anyway.

--Because with what Ray Perkins will be making, there won’t be any money left.

--Because Tampa Bay needs 45 new players, not one.

--Because Testaverde is thinking about staying at Miami to attend a class, just to see what it’s like.

--Because Perkins wants to draft Mike Shula anyway.

--Because the Buccaneers would be better off taking Brian Bosworth, who hasn’t been permitted to play any football in Florida lately.

--Because after talking to Dwight Gooden, Testaverde has decided Indianapolis might not be so bad.

--Because knowing the Buccaneers, they probably would go right out and trade Steve Young, who would lead his new team to the Super Bowl.

--Because the Fiesta Bowl has offered Testaverde $2.4 million to come back next year.

--Because in exchange for that first-round pick, the Raiders might be willing to part with Rusty Hilger.

Two reasons why the Chicago Bears couldn’t repeat as champions this season:

--Jim McMahon got hurt.

--Jay Schroeder didn’t.