Southland Baseball in Depression

Joan Kroc, the burger queen, supposedly has taken the San Diego Padres off the market. Presumably, they are no longer for sale.

Somehow, we doubt this. We believe that if you wanted to buy the Padres this very minute, not only would your money be accepted, but you would get change for your dollar.

The Padres are pretty pathetic. The biggest argument in baseball right now is who will become a 20-game winner first, Bret Saberhagen or San Diego.

A couple of years ago, the city had a couple of successful teams, the Padres and the Chargers. Now, the only winner in town is a guy who smears white cream on his lips and races yachts.

San Diego is so desperate, it is willing to take the Clippers back. The vote was 798,597 to 798,345, but yes, they will take them back.

What the future holds for the Padres, we have no idea. Maybe Steve Garvey will buy them. Maybe Larry Bowa will strangle them. Maybe they will strangle Larry Bowa. Maybe that Greek guy who owns the Seattle Mariners will still buy them. Maybe he will do the sensible thing and convert Jack Murphy Stadium into a shopping mall.

One thing is certain: Up north, Dodger and Angel fans should kneel and thank the Big Halo in the Sky every single day for making the Padres the miserable wretches that they are.

The Padres are the only thing keeping the Dodgers out of last place. On certain days, the Dodgers are nothing more than the Padres with nicer uniforms.

Last year, the team played without Pedro Guerrero. This year, Pedro Guerrero is playing without the team. At last look, he had 14 home runs, they had 26. He led them in homers, RBIs, hits, batting average, runs scored, and uh, let’s see, suicide squeezes and saves, we think.

The Dodger center fielder is now John Shelby, who walloped the ball last season at a .228 clip. The catchers are Alex Trevino and Gilberto Reyes. The shortstop is What and the third baseman is I Don’t Know. Three of the five pitchers from the regular starting rotation have losing records, and the relief ace is 1-5.

But the Dodgers have been getting away with it because nobody is running away with the division, and because the situation could always be worse. The situation could be San Diego.

As for the Angels, they recently put together a nifty little nine-game losing streak, which is not difficult to understand, seeing as how their pitching staff now includes Willie Fraser, DeWayne Buice, Jack Lazorko, Mike Cook, Chuck Finley, and uh, let’s see, Junior Autry, Gene’s nephew, we think. There are more unknowns here than in the extras for “Ishtar.” Where have you gone, Ron Romanick? Orange County turns its lonely eyes to you.

The regular Angel rotation has been messed up because Kirk McCaskill is injured and because Don Sutton is old enough to be a Niekro brother, and because John Candelaria’s car has been weaving more than his curveball.

The Angels have kids at first base and second base, in left field and right field, so inexperience could be a factor.

Then again, the team does benefit from the maturity of Manager Gene Mauch, who recently got the team an extra run by pointing out to the plate umpire that, according to rule Z-994, Section 32, Sub-Paragraph D of the major league baseball manual, an opposing team’s catcher is not permitted to wear women’s lingerie under his uniform on Thursdays. This guy 11knows the rule book inside and out.

The Angels also have gotten away with their bad start, though, because nobody is running away with the division and because the situation could always be worse. The situation could be San Diego.

Poor Tony Gwynn. He must be the loneliest man since the Maytag repairman. Every time he goes out to his position in right field, he probably wishes somebody would take him away from all this. If only that West German kid with the Cessna would fly into Jack Murphy the way he did into Red Square. He could lower a rope ladder, and Gwynn could escape.

When it comes to fun, playing for the San Diego Padres these days rates somewhere between Donna Rice and a root canal. With luck, Bowa should have this team straightened out by 1990. He will have been ejected from 300 games by umpires and stuffed into a locker by his own players by then, but nobody said managing would be easy.

If Joan Kroc changes her mind again about selling the team, she could stand outside the stadium like a scalper and probably get 500 bucks for it, easy.

The Angels will recover much sooner than the Padres will. McCaskill is about to return, and Candy soon will be dandy again, and quicker than liquor. The Angels probably can catch those incredible powerhouses in front of them, the Twins and the Mariners.

As for the Dodgers, well, maybe there is more to this team than meets the eye. They do hit some loud fouls. Mike Marshall is back, and Mickey Hatcher is a breath of fresh air, and Alex Trevino is a regular again after taking some time off to host “Jeopardy.”

If the Dodgers can put it all together, play as a team, give it all they’ve got, before this season is over, there is every chance that they will hit more balls out of the park and score more runs than both the San Diego Padres and Eric Davis.