Searching for Love-and ZITI-in L.A. : Weddings: Menu planning advice from the theater’s Tony ‘n’ Tina.

If are planning a wedding, starting soon is not soon enough.

Tony and Tina, of the environmental theater piece “Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding” playing at the Park Plaza Hotel here, will tell you that much.

After all, their wedding, with its pregnant bridesmaid in red satin off-one-shoulder gown, gum-chewing bride, fisticuffs-ing ushers, bladder-beset uncle and girl-ogling bridegroom, was no joke.

The producers of “Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding” figure a similar wedding by the father of a bride would probably cost $20,000 (with no chintzing). There was the tented chapel complete with stage and sound system, funereal flower arrangements, a full no host bar manned by frizzed-hair, unisex bar tenders, buxom waitresses passing Champagne and hors d’oeuvres, and a man-sized sit down/buffet meal. And the hotel banquet hall cost.

Planning it wasn’t easy, as Tina (played by Nancy Cassaro, who with her theater company, Artificial Intelligence, created the show), explains:

Gimme a break. Convincin’ da Vitales and Domenico’s from Massapequa ta come out ta California fuh de wedding took a whole yeah alone. Yoose knows me. I wanted a 26-foot trail and 2,000 poils sewn on the fron’ pah of my dress. It took a year shippin’ it back ‘n’ faut til dey got it righ.

Finding the proper caterer to do the job also took time.

Is deh a place in L.A. you ken fine real Italian food? No way, Jose. We soiched and soiched. Den we had ta settle. At least they knew how to make ziti.

Tina and Tony’s ziti (hollow macaroni) dish is great for an evening meal when people are hungry enough eat a horse, especially if the flowers hold up the works by arriving unduly late (gives the audience a 20 minutes leeway before curtain time), as they always do in “Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding.” Ziti is the kind of comforting, cozy food that gets a wedding to an ice-breaking start.

Tina and Tony’s chintzy ziti had been cleverly trimmed to the bone for cost effectiveness. One less strand of mozzarella, and you’d see the ziti petrify and decompose before your very eyes.

Even Tina’s mother noticed.

Mamma screamed blue moidah when she saw deh wes no prosciutto in de ziti. She made Vinnie de caterer knock off $10 a head, which grandpa said Tony and me could keep foh a down payment on our bedjroom set. So you see. It all woiked out in da end, even dough it took a year.

No prosciutto in the ziti and practically no sauce either. The Caterer’s trick was to make the ziti look better than it tasted. The sauce is a glaze on the pasta that fools you into thinking that, hey, this ziti is loaded. But it’s not.

But it does have potential, however, if you jazz it up with double the sauce and cheese called for in the recipe. The actual caterer of the Tina and Tony wedding was Orieta of Los Angeles, who with her staff has deliberately produced the cut-rate ziti (not the cake) for each night’s performance more than 400 times.

At “Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding” for 200 (the theater ticket limit nightly), the menu is rock-bottom simple: antipasto of simple raw vegetables, olives, Swiss cheese and bologna passed before dinner, the baked ziti, a mixed salad called Milana Salada for effect, Italian bread and wedding cake made by Eagle Rock Italian bakery in the Italian-American tradition with three tiers and lots of decorations. The “Naplesesque” Champagne was bottom of the line stuff but it all worked out just fine. The spirit, after all, was there.

“TONY N’ TINA’S WEDDING” SUPPER

No-host bar

Naplesesque Champagne

California hors d’oeuvres (cut vegetables, Swiss cheese, bologna, olives)

Baked ziti

Milana salada (tossed green salad with Italian dressing)

Florentine baked bread (French or Italian bread)

Romano wedding cake

The appetizers accompanying Champagne were passed by waitresses during the reception. The ziti and salad were served buffet style.

“TONY N’ TINA’S WEDDING” BAKED ZITI

2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons minced garlic

1 medium onion, finely chopped

1 medium green pepper, finely chopped

3 bay leaves

2 (1-pound) cans whole plum tomatoes, coarsely chopped

3 tablespoons minced basil

3 1/2 teaspoons dried oregano

1 tablespoon hot pepper sauce or pepper flakes

3 pounds ziti, preferably imported

Kosher salt

1 1/2 pounds ricotta cheese

4 ounces grated Parmesan cheese, preferably imported

12 ounces fresh mozzarella cheese, shredded

2 eggs, lightly beaten

Heat oil in large saucepan. Add 1 tablespoon garlic. Saute briefly, then add onion, green pepper and bay leaves. Cook 5 minutes.

Add tomatoes, 2 tablespoons basil and 1/2 teaspoon oregano. Simmer, stirring, 15 to 20 minutes. Season to taste with hot pepper sauce. Cool to room temperature. Remove bay leaves and puree in food processor.

Cook ziti in boiling salted water until al dente, about 8 minutes. Drain thoroughly. Rinse in cold water and drain again. Set aside.

Combine ricotta cheese, 1/2 of Parmesan, 1/2 of mozzarella, eggs and remaining garlic, basil, oregano, salt and pepper to taste and 1/2 cup tomato sauce in large bowl. Combine ziti and ricotta mixture and spread in 3 (13x9-inch) oiled baking dishes.

Spoon remaining tomato sauce and sprinkle remaining mozzarella and Parmesan cheese on top. Bake at 350 degrees 35 to 45 minutes. Makes 36 to 40 servings.

Note: For richer ziti, double amount of sauce and cheese.