Next on ‘Oprahue,’ That Wacky Iraqi Himself ...

“A.M. Los Angeles” arrived a little late on KABC-TV Channel 7 Friday because of an ABC update from Peter Jennings on the Persian Gulf crisis.

When the show did come on, co-hosts Steve Edwards and Tawny Little briefly discussed the news and Iraq President Saddam Hussein: “This bozo, this complete idiot, this maniac!” said Little, angrily.

As it turned out, Hussein was a TV segue from heaven, for Little and Edwards then proceeded to cite the just incredible similarities between the gulf crisis and “Delta Force 2.” That’s the new Chuck Norris action movie (“The bad news . . . America is losing another battle. The good news . . . the Delta Force is going to war”) that Norris was booked on the show to promote.

Well . . . Steve, Tawny and Chuck were all sort of open-mouthed: Hussein is holding hostages; the Norris nemesis in “Delta Force 2,” a drug czar, holds Drug Enforcement Agency agents hostage. “In fact, it’s sort of amazing,” Norris added later in his low-key way, “but in our film, the cocaine kingpin kills people with chemicals . . . mustard gas.”

You got the impression that this was either a coincidence or that Hussein had an agent inside MGM and had gotten his ideas from the script for “Delta Force 2.”

Edwards asked Norris what he thought President Bush should do about Hussein. The actor wasn’t really sure what to do about this Iraqi “nut case.” Based on its approving cheers and applause when one possible course of action was suggested, however, the studio audience was absolutely sure what Bush should do.

Send in Chuck Norris!

What an inspired tie-in to the gulf crisis. If only other shows were as smart and inventive as “A.M. Los Angeles.”

Perhaps they need some suggestions:

* “Donahue”--Transvestite troops are the theme. Phil travels to Saudi Arabia to personally check out rumors of widespread secret cross-dressing by Marines.

* “Geraldo”--Appearing in silhouette, Mafia hit men tell how they would take out Saddam Hussein.

* “Joan Rivers”--Network anchors reporting on the Persian Gulf crisis: Do they color their hair?

* “Oprah”--Psychologists speculate on how many U.S. military officers were child-abuse victims and whether their parents were overweight alcoholics.

* “Sally Jessy Raphael”--Psychotic mothers of sailors talk about their love affairs with men they tried to poison.

* “Donahue”--Zsa Zsa Gabor tells Phil what she will do to Saddam Hussein if he ever issues her a traffic ticket. Then six women tell Phil why they suspect their bisexual husbands of being Iraqi spies.

* “Geraldo”--Desert hookers with hearts of gold.

* “Joan Rivers”--Desert gossip.

* “Oprah”--What’s really behind that veil? Beauty experts comment on the possibility that the real reason some Arab women wear veils is to hide skin-care problems.

* “Sally Jessy Raphael”--The same beauty experts express alarm about potential moisturizing problems faced by female military in the desert heat.

* “Donahue”--Omar Sharif discusses Egypt’s role in the gulf crisis.

* “Geraldo”--After military underwear is modeled by Playboy centerfolds, divorce attorneys give tips to U.S. servicemen whose wives decide to leave them while they’re serving in the Middle East. This is followed by Dr. Ruth’s view on war’s impact on sex.

* “Joan Rivers”--Mr. Blackwell presents his list of worst-dressed armies, expressing utter disgust at the tackiness of American battle gear. “And those drab gas masks!” he moans.

* “Oprah”--An exclusive interview with seven people, including a tailor in Philadelphia, who claim to be the real Saddam Hussein.

* “Sally Jessy Raphael”--Mothers-in-law of six reservists reveal how their sons-in-law turned their drug-addicted daughters against them before going on active duty.

* “Entertainment Tonight”--How They Would Have Done It: The producers of “Married . . . With Children” critique the production values of Hussein’s hostage video.

* “A Current Affair”--Do Saddam Hussein and Gen. Noriega have a special relationship?

* “David Letterman”--Stupid camel tricks.