LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Victory in Haiti: Jay Leno, on the settlement: “I think it is time to admit that America has a President with a strong foreign policy . . . willing to stand up to a dictator . . . who won’t back down. But enough about Jimmy Carter.”

Leno, Part II: “Haiti officially broke the land speed record for surrender, previously held by Iraq.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills:

* “It was a casualty-free invasion because every G.I. in the landing force wore a government-issue Warren Christopher medal.”

* “Well, actually, there was one casualty. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer dropped a banana daiquiri on his foot.”

* “As the troops waded ashore, appreciative crowds of Haitians shouted words of praise for President Carter and ex-President Clinton.”

* “Under severe questioning, Pentagon officials were forced to admit that the beach invasion was carefully planned by the producers of ‘Baywatch.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton:

* “A new poll shows that 55% of Americans approve of how Clinton handled the situation. The President is so happy. It’s the first time he’s been over 50 since his last nine holes of golf.”

* “CNN found a clip of an April, 1992, campaign speech in which Clinton called for an invasion of Haiti. Now everybody’s shocked. No one expected him to keep a campaign promise.”

* “What do other countries call the U.S. foreign policy team of Jimmy Carter, Colin Powell, Sam Nunn and Bill Clinton? Three men and a Bubba .”

*

Potpourri: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the death of cosmonaut Boris Yegorov, the first doctor in space: “He was also the first space traveler to utter the expression: ‘Turn your head to the left and cough.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Atlanta couple that held a divorce ceremony in a church with similar trappings of a wedding: “This time, the something old was his nagging.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on a Louisville high school temporarily banning William Faulkner’s classic novel “As I Lay Dying”: “One parent complained about the book’s profanity and that it questions God. She also said that the author’s last name ‘kinda sounded like a swear word.’ ”

Comedy writer Earl Hochman, on discount hair salons: “They are the only places where after you’ve looked in the mirror, you feel like the stylist should have tipped you .”

*

Reader John Geirland of Studio City says that several years ago, his strong-willed and independent grandmother, 88, moved into a retirement home. She had never lived around elderly people before. Geirland visited a couple weeks later and, during a tour of the facility, she took him aside.

“You know, Johnny,” she said, “I think they must be putting something in the food.”

I asked, “Why’s that, Grandma?”

She frowned: “Everybody here is having trouble remembering things.”