LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on U.S. troops seizing Haitian television and radio stations: “I don’t know what we are broadcasting, but I understand that Roger Clinton is now the No. 1 recording artist down there.”

Leno, on Forbes magazine’s list of the 400 richest Americans, which was published Monday: “The only change from last year, I think, is that O.J. is off the list and Robert Shapiro is on it.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Senate candidate Mike Huffington denying that he signed deeds containing racial restrictions: “He referred all questions to his personal manager, Al Campanis.”

Reader Gary Easley, on a ruling that California’s gas chamber is cruel and unusual punishment: “That leaves the condemned with only two choices: death by injection or watching the Huffington/Feinstein commercials until losing the will to live.”

No word yet on what the deposed police chief of Port-au-Prince will be doing now that he has fled to the Dominican Republic. Investigative comedy writer Tony Peyser has learned, however, that Lt. Col. Michel-Joseph Francois “is in serious negotiations with KFI to become a radio talk show host.”

Peyser, on researchers claims that caffeine in coffee and other products is just as addictive as cigarettes, alcohol and drugs: “In a related story, the Philip Morris tobacco company announced it will soon begin manufacturing Mocha 100s.”

Reader Gary Gluck, on the strikes/lockouts in pro sports: “Even thoroughbred racing is now jeopardized by the threat of a trainer-imposed celery cap.”

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Hooray for Hollywood: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the $11-million palimony suit against soon-to-be-ex “NYPD Blue” star David Caruso: “She once acted like his best gal. Now she’s acting like an agent.

Comedy writer John Mayer, on preview screenings of “Star Trek: Generations”: “Audiences have been most impressed with the scene where retired Adm. James T. Kirk rewards Capt. Jean-Luc Picard by passing him the official Federation hairpiece.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the possibility that Judge Lance Ito will take O.J.’s trial off television: “Networks are used to these tantrums. Once the judge sees his 40-foot motor home with a star on the door, he’ll come around.”

Leno, on John Wayne Bobbitt’s X-rated movie, which premiered last week: “I understand that Siskel and Ebert gave it half a thumb.”

Leno, on the video release of “Jurassic Park”: “How many people will buy it for the great acting? How many for the special effects? And how many will buy it just to see the lawyer get eaten again?”

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When reader Chuck Hull of Simi Valley was driving with his wife and 3-year-old son, Jesse, they changed from one freeway to another. The merging lane went around a tight curve and led them to a major traffic jam with all cars stopped.

Jesse piped up: “Who turned off the freeway?”