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CAPSULES AND RANKINGS

Team: 1. Denver (11-1)

Opponent: Seattle

Comment: Star Trek: First Contact--exposing Broncos as The Borg.

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Team: 2. Dallas (8-5)

Opponent: Def. Washington

Comment: MRI exam reveals Emmitt Smith has fractured ego.

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Team: 3. San Francisco (9-3)

Opponent: at Atlanta

Comment: NFC Meddling Coach of the Year: Bill Walsh.

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Team: 4. Green Bay (9-3)

Opponent: Chicago

Comment: Rison to save the day. Hope Lombardi’s not watching.

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Team: 5. Pittsburgh (9-3)

Opponent: at Baltimore

Comment: Tomczak seen yelling at Cowher: “You want O’Donnell back?”

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Team: 6. Buffalo (9-3)

Opponent: at Indianapolis

Comment: Kelly, Thomas, Tasker hurt. Will be back for Super Bowl.

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Team: 7. Kansas City (9-4)

Opponent: Def. Detroit

Comment: Gannon? Bono? Allen can throw and score too.

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Team: 8. New England (8-4)

Opponent: at San Diego

Comment: Does Parcells still have it? Time to find out.

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Team: 9. Washington (8-5)

Opponent: Lost to Dallas

Comment: Thanks for the memories.

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Team: 10. Carolina (8-4)

Opponent: Tampa Bay

Comment: Panthers have new motto: Commitment to Excellence.

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Team: 11. Philadelphia (7-5)

Opponent: NY Giants

Comment: Rhodes like scarecrow; now birds just ignore him.

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Team: 12. San Diego (7-5)

Opponent: New England

Comment: Chargers on probation; must’ve cheated to beat Chiefs.

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Team: 13. Miami (6-6)

Opponent: at Oakland

Comment: Marino comeback fails; so Jimmy, cut the lug.

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Team: 14. Houston (6-6)

Opponent: at NY Jets

Comment: Oiler playoff hopes ride with Air McNair. Buckle up.

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Team: 15. Minnesota (6-6)

Opponent: Arizona

Comment: Moon might be done. Holtz wouldn’t want him anyway.

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Team: 16. Indianapolis (6-6)

Opponent: Buffalo

Comment: The NFL? Kerwin Bell heartbeat away from playing.

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Team: 17. Seattle (5-7)

Opponent: at Denver

Comment: Seahawks, Falcons pass on Jeff George; together they’re 7-17.

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Team: 18. Arizona (6-6)

Opponent: at Minnesota

Comment: Boomer--Dead Man Walking, but explain last three weeks.

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Team: 19. Cincinnati (5-7)

Opponent: at Jacksonville

Comment: Bengals like that turkey drop on “WKRP in Cincinnati.”

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Team: 20. Oakland (5-7)

Opponent: Miami

Comment: Al Davis speaks and now you know why he normally doesn’t.

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Team: 21. N.Y. Giants (5-7)

Opponent: at Philadelphia

Comment: Owners say Reeves will be back and Santa’s on his way.

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Team: 22. Chicago (5-7)

Opponent: at Green Bay

Comment: Salaam benched, guess he fumbled his opportunity too.

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Team: 23. Jacksonville (5-7)

Opponent: Cincinnati

Comment: Jaguar coaches stuck in elevator; too bad they got out.

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Team: 24. Detroit (5-8)

Opponent: Lost to K.C.

Comment: 10, 12 men on field, Sanders throws and people rip Fontes.

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Team: 25. Tampa Bay (4-8)

Opponent: at Carolina

Comment: Vatican sending experts to confirm record a miracle.

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Team: 26. Baltimore (3-9)

Opponent: Pittsburgh

Comment: 45 million turkeys cooked, but Vinny survives.

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Team: 27. New Orleans (2-10)

Opponent: St. Louis

Comment: Venturi vs. Brooks--Promo for “Home Improvement.”

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Team: 28. St. Louis (3-9)

Opponent: at New Orleans

Comment: Note to John Robinson: Rams will be looking for a coach.

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Team: 29. Atlanta (2-10)

Opponent: San Francisco

Comment: Monday night football or Melrose Place marathon? No contest.

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Team: 30. N.Y. Jets (1-11)

Opponent: Houston

Comment: 101 Dalmations and 53 Jets--That sure is a lot of dogs.