Give Shaq a Little Credit--Now There Is a Novel Idea

See if you can stay with me on this one: Shaquille O’Neal returns better than ever, even improving his free-throw shooting dramatically, and turns the Lakers into an elite Western Conference team.

Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman and Wilt Chamberlain rip him in books and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar zings him in a magazine.

It’s obviously a trend. Shaq bashing is such a staple of the publishing business, famous authors may pick it up next. Here’s what the best-seller list could look like by the start of next season:

1. SHAQ PARK, Michael Crichton. Foolhardy general manager clones the mightiest force in basketball, only to see his creations chasing the customers up the aisles.

2. A TIME TO RAP, John Grisham. Attorney in tiny Mississippi town defends visiting Los Angeles multimedia star charged with violating local noise pollution ordinance.

3. THE LAST COACH, Mario Puzo. O’Neal crime family is suspected when vest belonging to missing coach Brian Hill is found with a fish wrapped in it.

4. SHAQ PALISADES, Jackie Collins. Novelization of risque TV series (on Fox, where else?) chronicles amorous adventures of large home wrecker in affluent Southern California community.

5. BONFIRE OF THE INANITIES, Tom Wolfe. Famed satirist casts jaundiced eye at commercialism, manifest in autobiography of basketball star, published when he is 21.

By now, you wouldn’t think it was necessary to assert this, but O’Neal is getting a bad deal.

If Shaq cared, which Wilt questions, he couldn’t have played much better than he did against the Portland Trail Blazers, when he averaged 33 points, led all rebounders by eight, all shot blockers by four, finished fifth in assists and shot 64% on free throws, compared to 48% during the season.

If Shaq doesn’t have a rolling hook, like the one Kareem says he could teach him, he does all right with that jump hook he refined under Pete Newell.

Rodman’s complaint is, of course, absurd on its face. Imagine being called a “whore” by a man who wears wedding dresses to book signings and has a World Championship Wrestling hookup.

For the Lakers, it would be better if everyone was as star-struck, indolent and uncoachable as O’Neal is supposed to be.

At the moment, they look more like the team of some unspecified future than a champion. Their guards are fragile. Robert Horry (99 minutes vs. Trail Blazers, 28% from the floor, 14 points, 17 rebounds) is caddying for Jerome Kersey (105 minutes, 50%, 24 points, 31 rebounds).

Meanwhile, there’s Shaq, playing his heart out, even as the Trail Blazers roll up a 31-point lead in Game 3.

With Shaq and Elden Campbell, now a dominating tandem, the Lakers have become a postup-only team. Maybe it was because the Trail Blazers single-covered them, but it’s not the new Showtime. Of course, Jerry West, who is suspected of having a Kobe Bryant poster on his bedroom wall, thinks they already have the future answer on the roster.

In the meantime, here’s a suggestion for the other Lakers: Whatever Shaq is doing wrong, you do it too.

SUNS: 0-13 START, FAIRY-TALE ENDING

As one who wrote off the Phoenix Suns and Orlando Magic, I can only invoke the words of “Saturday Night Live’s” great Emily Litella: “Never mind.”

The upstart seventh-seeded teams forced Game 5s against the heavily favored Seattle SuperSonics and Miami Heat. In the postseason, when big men take over and games get even slower, they used small lineups and played exciting, up-and-down basketball of a kind nearly everyone had forgotten existed.

Sun Coach Danny Ainge ruined George Karl’s week (again) with parlor-trick, three- and four-guard lineups, daring to assign 6-foot-10 Detlef Schrempf to 6-3 Rex Chapman, a shooting guard who never used to shoot well enough, which is why he’s playing for his fourth team in six seasons.

As expected, it was no contest, except the other way around. After four games, it was Rex 105, Det 64.

Included was Chapman’s 42-point explosion in Game 1 and his three-point basket while flying across the sideline in the final seconds of regulation to tie Game 4.

“When that went in,” said Karl, “I thought the basketball gods were against us. I couldn’t believe it.”

A 0-13 start turned into one of the most thrilling seasons the Suns ever had, even if they lost Game 4 in overtime and Game 5 Saturday at Seattle.

Meanwhile, if what doesn’t kill the SuperSonics makes them stronger, they’ll be back to form soon. However, with the Houston Rockets next, that isn’t the way the betting is going.

MEANWHILE IN ORLANDO, SMURFS AMBUSH RILES

Try this for a turnaround: The Heat rolls up a 37-point lead in Game 1 and a 32-point lead in Game 2, and routs the Magic twice.

Horace Grant rips the medical staff for misdiagnosing his knee injury. Penny Hardaway does another chorus of how the Orlando media mistreats him (“There’ve been a few good articles, but the bad have been far more harmful than the good articles. . . . A lot of the media don’t give me the respect I deserve”) and suggests he may leave when he’s a free agent in 1999.

“If I look at the situation,” Hardaway says, “and we still have the same team, with the same players and we’re still doing the same thing, then of course, the thought in my head will be, ‘Man, do you really want to be here, to continue to go through with this?’ ”

Even Heat Coach Pat Riley, who thinks he has a power on his hands and has been issuing challenges to the Chicago Bulls, gets carried away, noting the problem in Game 3 will be “human nature.”

The Heat takes a 39-19 first-quarter lead while Magic fans boo--and starting center Rony Seikaly leaves because of a broken bone in his foot.

The Magic, with only Danny Schayes and Derek Strong for big men, goes small. Little-known water bug Darrell Armstrong takes over at the point and Penny, moving to shooting guard, goes for 42 as the Magic storms back to win.

In Game 4, Hardaway gets 41 and the Magic wins again. Instead of a quick knockout, Riley and the guys get today’s emotional catharsis Game 5 before starting up with the hated--now rested--New York Knicks before getting to the Bulls.

The Heat is frying. Tim Hardaway, whom Riley has compared to Magic Johnson, looks more like Avery Johnson. So far, he’s losing the battle of the Hardaways, 122-61.

Riley’s warrior/fruitcake Alonzo Mourning, carrying Riley’s us-against-the-world philosophy to its logical conclusion--paranoia--insists, “Nobody wants to see us win. I’m not mentioning any names, but there are some people higher than all of this that don’t want to see us go. They don’t want to see Riles be successful.”

David Stern? Bill Clinton? Higher than that?

Stay tuned for Mourning’s next thrilling announcement. Also for Game 5.

NAMES AND NUMBERS

The Rick Pitino-Larry Brown-Larry Bird sweepstakes is getting weird. Pitino is back talking to the Boston Celtics, where M.L. Carr just resigned as coach, as well as the Philadelphia 76ers and Magic. Brown, having just resigned from the Indiana Pacers, is talking to the Celtics and 76ers. Bird is talking to the Pacers. At this point, anyone could wind up anywhere. . . . Add unlikely heroes: Washington/UCLA’s Tracy Murray had his greatest moments as a pro, averaging 18.3 points off the bench. . . . Golden State Warrior Coach Rick Adelman, a nice guy in an impossible job, was fired after two seasons of trying to reassemble what blew up under Don Nelson, while stars like Hardaway and Seikaly ran for cover. “The only thing I haven’t been accused of the last six weeks in the Bay Area is starting the plague,” Adelman said. . . . First on the Warriors’ list: Chicago’s Phil Jackson. They have asked for permission to speak to him.

The Bulls swept the Bullets, but it wasn’t the usual light-hearted first-round romp. Jordan had to score 30 of their 49 points in the fourth quarters of Games 2 and 3. “What’s so frustrating is not only does he go by three defenders, but he seems to be the only one doing anything,” Chris Webber said. “Not only does he get the points, but he seems to be the sole reason they won.” Comment: No kidding.