Tips to Make Your Bedroom a Snore-Free Zone

Nothing separates bed partners quicker than her cookie crumbs on his side of the bed. Except his snoring. Or when her uvula, soft palate, deviated septum and other areas of the upper airway start making like a leaf blower. Around 80 decibels, which actually is louder than a barking Rottweiler.

OK, acknowledges Ralph Schoenstein, bull moose emeritus and author of “Stop the Snoring” from Warner Books: So only 10% of America’s nocturnal noisemakers are women. But that percentage increases after menopause, and no matter if you’re creating the snores or cringing from them, going noisy into that good night has wrecked more marriages than the corner saloon.

Schoenstein reports that snoring is a legitimate sleep disorder--that in some states is grounds for divorce. Ponce de Leon’s wife is supposed to have suggested that her husband emerge from the fountain of youth at “any age that is pre-snoring.” Outlaw John Wesley Hardin once fired a shot through a hotel wall and killed a snorer in the next room.

There have been futile, albeit well-intentioned, efforts to manage the dreaded black sound with chloroform; earplugs; face masks; adhesive strips; nose clips; straitjackets; herbs; neck-extenders; good gin; face-molders; late, late movies; wave machines; drugs; sleeping on bricks; and, most recently, reducing the size of the uvula (that dongly doohickey in the back of our throats) by laser or radio wave surgery.

None has been a pillow-thumping success.

But rather than addressing your partner’s problem with a baseball bat, says Schoenstein, know there are options.

* First, make sure you are snoring and not suffering from a disorder called apnea, during which the sleeper actually stops breathing. Apnea is believed to contribute to the deaths of 38,000 Americans each year. “When an extremely overweight young man like [comedian] John Candy dies in his sleep, apnea may have been the cause.”

* Breathe Right adhesive strips, favored by race drivers and rodeo riders to open their nasal passages, have been effective for many night musicians.

“But tests have revealed that about half the people who use them would do just as well with prayer,” says the author.

* There are dental devices that reposition your jaw for sleeping. They must be fitted by a dentist. Still, Schoenstein suggests caution with an appliance “that will discourage the kissing of your newly silent face during the night.”

* Lose weight, because overeating increases fatty tissue in the throat and the size of your dongly doohickey.

* Smoking irritates upper airways, builds congestion, and that encourages freight train noises. Alcohol, sedatives and antihistamines should be avoided before sleep because they ease throat muscles and relaxed tonsils become tubas.

* Seek out non-snoring positions during sleep. This will require assistance from your beloved. A cattle prod helps. And if you can sleep without a pillow, do so because being flat straightens airways.

* Try a firmer mattress. Or a firmer body through regular exercise that will leave you more at ease for sleep. You might also try yoga or tai chi for deeper breathing and more quality time with Dr. Nod.

* Do not believe that old wives’ tale about quieting nasal bellows by sleeping face down with a ball on the small of your back. If you do stop snoring, it’s because you won’t be sleeping.

Schoenstein confesses to having been a lusty snorer who made more odd noises than a Three Stooges soundtrack.

He’s not cured, but much better, thank you.

His marriage to Lori has survived his buzz saw nights, and the book is dedicated to she “who glows brightly as a laser and is lighting up more than my heart.”

Right. Just wait till he finds her cookie crumbs on his side of the bed.