Gunning for Wily Golf Course Coots

Residents of Wood Ranch in Simi Valley were greeted once again this morning by the sounds of gunfire.

Intrepid hunters descended on the savage fairways of Wood Ranch Golf Club to pursue the vicious, conniving coot. These small, black water birds have the audacity to be lured to Wood Ranch’s man-made lakes, where, in their impertinence, they actually eat. Then, like all of us must, they poop. Their little green land mines litter the grass and cause much consternation among golfers.

And so, the hunters come.

But I say, why not let the members get in on the fun? Why not have the hunters do their shooting while members actually play golf?

Just think how much excitement it would add to the game. Every time players bend over to tee up, they can contemplate getting a backside full of birdshot. And each time a hunter takes aim, he can wonder whether the next “crack” he hears will come from his gun or from his skull being impacted by a golf ball.

Even course residents can participate. It’s been reported that during the shoots some coots actually flee up the hillsides to take refuge pool-side in homeowners’ backyards. Why not let residents set up machine guns at yard’s edge to mow down the birds as they charge uphill? And any golfer daring to play “Machine Gun Alley” could have two shots shaved off his score, while hunters braving the area would be given one free potshot at the machine gunners. After all, fair is fair.

Then again, maybe all of this would make golf too much of a contact sport for the casual duffer. Instead, it might be better if the members and course owners pool their money to buy a giant Plexiglas dome to cover the entire course and seal it off forever from the inconveniences of nature.

Then golf can become what it was truly meant to be--an indoor leisure activity.

JENNIFER COLLOPY

Simi Valley