Catching Up on All the News That Was Fit to Miss

I went away for a week, didn’t look at a TV, didn’t pick up a newspaper, didn’t turn on a radio. (I consider myself a typical American. Sometimes I just can’t stand the media.)

“Did I miss anything?” I asked when I got back.

My boss said, “Plenty.”

He told me that President Clinton had been acquitted, which meant that he was still President Clinton.

He told me that the Rev. Jerry Falwell had begun a crusade against Tinky Winky, which I was relieved to learn was the name of a child’s toy and not a slang phrase for something else.

He told me that O.J. Simpson’s possessions were going to be sold at auction.

And he told me that Hillary Rodham Clinton was still being proposed as a U.S. Senate candidate in New York, which is a state that, given a chance, would probably elect Tinky Winky.

“Is that all?” I asked.

Slow news week.

I said if that’s it, I might as well take those items one at a time.

Clinton 1, Congress 0.

Following an investigation that began, let’s see, I think back in Arkansas when young William first went off to kindergarten, we finally got the Senate to take a vote on whether President Clinton should be told to clean out his desk (poetry books, neckties, cigars) or return to the Oval Office and finish what he started (so to speak).

I thought it would never end. I thought Congress would drag this thing out until the end of the millennium--and by that I mean 3999. The Clinton scandal went on so long, I was surprised to find out that at one point Kenneth Starr was being considered by Pepperdine--as a student.

It got so boring, Dick Durbin, a Democratic senator from Illinois, joked that he was going to wear a pair of “googly glasses,” with the eyes painted on, so nobody would know that he was actually asleep. A sense of humor is important when you come from Illinois, where you also have to have a thick Hyde.

We have heard it all since this inquiry began. And we’re still hearing it all, with Linda Tripp turning up on TV shows, just to let us know that if she had it to do all over again, she’d do the same thing. The critics are right. There’s nothing funny on TV anymore.

The People vs. Tinky Winky.

Tinky Winky is a Teletubby. (So is Jerry Falwell, come to think of it.)

Now, I don’t know any Teletubbies intimately, but I have seen a few, and you can spot them right off. They have antenna on their heads. Not that that’s a bad thing.

Falwell, who can forgive Larry Flynt but can’t forget Tinky Winky, has suggested that this is a Teletubby with a gay lifestyle. Inasmuch as a Teletubby is a novelty item and a cartoon character--a description that also pretty much sums up Mr. Falwell--I haven’t given Tinky Winky a lot of thought.

(Heck, I barely remember Betsy Wetsy, and you know what SHE did.)

But, in fairness to Rev. Jerry, and in ignorance of the secret life of Mr. Winky, I did go to a neighborhood toy store. And while I found no information proving or disproving the theory that Winky is gay, I did discover many other things that merit Falwell’s attention.

Barbie was born a man. She went to Mattel’s branch in Denmark and had the operation.

In the game of Monopoly, the phrase “pass Go, collect $200” is actually code language for Atlantic City streetwalkers. As is that other expression: “Community Chest.”

GI Joe went to Canada in 1968. He dodged the draft, wore his hair long and inhaled.

Finally, the rope in the game of Clue is not used only for murder. I have proof, if Jerry requires it.

Go, O.J.’s Stuff, Go!

On Tuesday night, O.J.’s Heisman Trophy fetched $230,000 at Butterfield & Butterfield’s online auction. Ninety other items also sold. I was going to bid on O.J.’s golf clubs, but I couldn’t. He was still using them, out searching for the real killer.

That’s Sen. Rodham, No Hyphen.

I believe the First Lady would make a fine New York senator. I think she’s actually even been to that state. I’d vote for her if I could, except for one obvious campaign flaw:

You get two for the price of one.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: [email protected]