Will a 62-Foot Banjo Be Enough, or Will Giant Rivals Be Erected?

Musical Misery Index: It’s bad enough that this is National Accordion Awareness Month, but now the town of Branson, Mo., has built the world’s largest banjo. Fortunately, the 62-foot-tall banjo cannot play music, but it does have fiber-optic strings that flash in assorted colors.

Branson businessman Glen Robinson originally planned to erect a giant guitar statue but decided they were too common. He opted instead for a fiberglass and steel banjo and even had it autographed by musician Roy Clark.

However, critics fear the monument could start a “dueling banjos” craze in which other cities build bigger and bigger replicas of the instrument.

Mayo Clinic Bureau: A Japanese mountain climber who spent 15 days lost in the wilderness says he survived by eating mayonnaise.

According to news reports, the 59-year-old landlord combined the condiment with snow to create mayonnaise snow cones. After being rescued, he exclaimed: “Thank you, thank you, oh dear mayonnaise.”

This raises several questions. First, why would anyone be carrying a 15-day supply of mayo? Second, is there a Guinness world record for condiment survival? For example, what’s the longest anyone has lived on pickle relish? And is it more effective than, say, Grey Poupon?

Alarming Food Trends: Procter & Gamble has announced plans to test-market flavored peanut butter in apple-cinnamon, berry and chocolate silk.

OK, but no mayonnaise-flavored peanut butter, please.

Let There Be Light: Adding a new twist to his father’s trademark “thousand points of light” speech, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush--accompanied by a giant Woody Woodpecker mascot and a Spider-Man mascot--made electronic history Friday when he flipped on the switch to what was billed as “the brightest single beam of light ever created” (by man, at least). It’s a 371-kilowatt bulb at Universal Studios’ new Islands of Adventure theme park in Orlando.

The previous record-holder was a 315-kilowatt lamp at a Las Vegas casino.

Bush also turned on a collection of 206 spotlights, which out-illuminated a 159-spotlight display created in 1992 in the Dominican Republic to commemorate the 500th anniversary of Columbus’ voyage.

Great Moments in History: On this date 71 years ago, the first package of Velveeta cheese was sold.

Alarming Musical Trends: Pat Boone and James Brown have recorded a duet of “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag,” retitled “Pat’s Got a Brand New Bag.”

In other disturbing musical news, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) has collaborated with the daughter of the Rev. Jesse Jackson to record a CD.

Weird Holidays Department: In honor of the benefits of global warming--such as year-round golf in cold climates and extended growing seasons--the National Anxiety Center has declared June 7 to be Celebrate the Heat Day.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Cult Deflates Car Tires for God!” (Weekly World News)

The group believes that air should be free to circulate as the Lord intended.

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