This Investigation Was a Washout

Two sheriff’s deputies were approaching an apparently abandoned van in a Paramount park when suddenly they heard noises inside. They knocked. “The door burst open,” recounted the Paramount newsletter, City Talk, “‘and the deputies saw a woman covered with bubbles sitting in a blow-up bath tub.”

One of the stunned deputies asked the woman what she was doing.

“Taking a bath,” she replied.

(He couldn’t tell?)

After receiving assurances that she wasn’t taking up residence in the park, the deputies departer. After all,she was clean.

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ATTENTION, MIKE OVITZ: Jerry Kearney of Temple City spotted a signboard that listed one of the local elected officials as the mayor “pro-team” (see photo). Uh oh. Now that Carson’s out of the picture for a pro football franchise, does Temple City see some daylight?

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LETTER IMPERFECT: A middle school offering “advanced studies” promoted itself in a letter (see accompanying) to the parents of Jonathan O’Brien, age 11. But not very well.

Leaving aside the “nuture” claim, Jonathan’s father, Dale, pointed out that “hardly a day goes by that my wife and I aren’t required to remind our children to ‘sit up straight’ or ‘stand tall.’ Now we have schools describing the ‘virtues of leaning.’ ”

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DON’T FORGET TO READ THE BIG PRINT! Alan Hughes of Glendale found a “Do Not Enter” sign in downtown L.A. that appears to have a strong foundation in fact (see photo). I’d be careful about leaning too close.

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OBJECTION! Someone in Dist. Atty. Gil Garcetti’s office nominated the recent victim of an attempted robbery for the department’s “Courageous Citizen Award.”

The nomination form said that the victim “attempted to wrestle the gun from the robber, injuring himself in the process.” It added that “with total disregard for his own safety,” the victim “went in pursuit of the robber’s vehicle” and provided authorities with a partial description of the attacker’s license plate.

Garcetti’s office, however, declined to consider the nomination of the victim--O.J. Simpson, who had been accosted in a parking lot after a round of golf.

“It did not meet the criteria [for the award],” said Garcetti’s spokeswoman Victoria Pipkin, who termed it “bogus.”

“It was unsigned, and it was not signed by a supervisor, so it wasn’t even considered.”

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ONLY IN L.A.’S POWER: It used to be said that Walter Winchell could ensure the success of a new play or restaurant merely by mentioning it in his column. A while back, Only in L.A. noted the opening of the ER Bar and Grill restaurant on Marengo Street--just a few blocks from County-USC Medical Center. The waitresses were outfitted in scrub uniform tops and the ER logo included a wavy EKG monitor line.

After the tremendous publicity it received here, the ER Bar and Grill began to bleed red ink and eventually went out of business.

I guess that’s why I’m constantly hearing from press agents who say, “Steve, my client’s got a new restaurant opening but PLEASE don’t mention it in your column.”

miscelLAny:

A Trojan horse in The Times Sunday crossword puzzle? Bill Stark of Monrovia points out that a recent clue was “Aikman’s alma mater.” The puzzle’s answer was “USC.” But, despite his first name, Troy Aikman actually quarterbacked for rival UCLA.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at [email protected] and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.