Section Gee! Advice, Humor, Comics, Horoscope, Kids : Off-Kilter : The Mystery of the Really Bad Toupee Versus the Really Lame Comb-Over

Does He or Doesn’t He?: The world is full of unsolved mysteries: Why did the Mayas abandon their advanced civilization? How were the statues on Easter Island moved into place? And what is the deal with Sam Donaldson’s hair? Is it a toupee or road kill or what?

At last, experts are beginning to answer some of these age-old riddles. For instance, archeologists sifting through the ruins of a Mayan temple recently discovered fragments of an ancient lime green leisure suit that they believe may have sparked widespread panic and eventual societal collapse.

Meanwhile, a Florida wig maker known as the “Hairpiece Creator to the Stars” has issued his annual list of the best and worst celebrity toupees. In the report, Charles Alfieri also purports to blow the lid off Sam Donaldson’s hair mystery.

Defying conventional wisdom, he asserts that the ABC newsman’s hair is real: “It’s a comb-over, I’m telling you. So is Ted Koppel’s.”

As for the best and worst rugs, Alfieri gives thumbs down to sportscaster Marv Albert, along with actors Tony Curtis, Charlton Heston and Martin Landau.

His good toupee list includes Sean Connery, Tony Bennett, Ted Danson and Elton John (whose new wig elevated him off last year’s worst-toupee list).

Still, one mystery remains: Paul Reiser. “He’s a question mark,” Alfieri says. “I’m told he’s wearing [a hairpiece], but I don’t know for sure. If he is, it’s a good one.”

Alarming Trends Watch: A Toronto woman is holding workshops to help people get in touch with their “inner grandma.”

Holiday Gift Ideas: A 1956 tape recording of what is reputed to be the first utterance of the phrase “Elvis has just left the building” will be auctioned next month. Estimated value: $50,000.

Quote of the Day: From a Honduras medical school professor, complaining about a shortage of cadavers: “It would be really hard for the dean of the medical school to satisfy this need on his own, unless he goes out on the street with a pistol in his hand.”

TV Listing of the Week: From Rick Polito of the Marin Independent Journal: “ ‘Rocky III.’ This is the film responsible for the troubling 1980s cultural phenomenon known as Mr. T.”

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: Kool-Aid Man, the pitcher-headed mascot of Kool-Aid, became an honorary citizen of Nebraska in August.

Cup Runneth Over: The world’s biggest Dixie Cup, designed to hold 1,360 gallons, will be unveiled in Central Park on Thursday to mark the product’s 80th birthday.

Bumper Sticker Patrol: “Shoot Pool . . . Not People.”

Home on the (Electric) Range: Oh, give us a home, where the buffalo roam . . . and then get butchered into 102 individual steaks and 200 pounds of buffalo hot dogs.

All you have to do is send $15,000 to Philadelphia-based Heartland Buffalo Co. and you’ll receive an entire ready-to-cook bison, as well as the animal’s head and hide in case you want to make a buffalo-head hat and a pair of boots or a rug.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Adolf Hitler Was a Woman!” (Weekly World News)

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Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Reuters, Rachel Williams, PR Newswire. E-mail Off-Kilter at [email protected]. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.