Voting experience lacks that old razzle-dazzle

The reason more people don’t vote is, let’s face it, there’s no fun in it. Forget that it’s an essential element of democracy, and that the reason we end up with so many clowns as presidents is because we don’t get out there and elect the non-clowns.

But that alone isn’t enough to excite the listless herds. We need something big, something grand, something spectacular to lure them to the voting booths. I have a modest suggestion.

Take the Oscars. Watched by 43 million-plus television viewers, it has emerged as the Super Bowl of entertainment, complete with a display of enough bare female skin to satisfy the most mammary-minded men in America. That and the music and the humor and the hype, and all those glittering celebrities, contribute to the creation of one of the most over-covered events in the whole, miserable history of the world.

I think we gave more newspaper space to the Oscars than to the fall of Iraq. You can argue that Hollywood is more entertaining than Baghdad (for instance, there are no bars in Baghdad), and you’d be right. But still....

With less than half of the eligible voters casting ballots Tuesday, it’s clear that we need to inject a little pizazz into election day. Good men risking their sanity and their reputations to convince us of their ability to lead the nation isn’t enough in this era of media domination. Speeches bore a generation raised on rock videos.

Facts and figures only tend to confuse those who can’t balance their own checkbooks. Beauty is essential. Music is essential. Having a good time is essential.

To popularize voting, we’re going to have to emulate the Oscars by starting with a red carpet at every polling place, their location marked with larger-than-life golden statues of past presidents of both parties, especially those known to have had girlfriends on the side, a remembrance that will simultaneously attract the excitable young as well as the lascivious old.

Each polling site also will offer the presence of a celebrity. While I realize there are 5,000 such sites in L.A. County alone, I’m willing to bet there are at least that many male and female performers within limo distance who are, or consider themselves to be, stars of the first order.

They’ll serve not only as greeters, but double as poll watchers, positions that will not only satisfy a legal requirement but also give them good reason to flash their dazzling, chemically enhanced smiles for 13 hours.

Each celebrity, by the way, will be the first in line to vote, after, of course, they’re told who’s running.

With a lot of coaxing and a promise of media, we’ll end up with notables ranging from Snoop Dogg to Charlize Theron, who is my personal favorite, although talent is not necessarily a consideration for drawing crowds. It’s the gowns they come to see, and I’m sure that most of the women will wear something suitably see-through for the occasion. Perhaps a few of the men will too.

So we’ve got celebrities at the polls, but then what? I’ll tell you what: announcement of the winners the day after the election. Results of the voting will be turned over to PricewaterhouseCoopers to tabulate, and kept secret until envelopes containing the names of the winners are opened onstage at the Kodak Theatre, where there will be more glitter, glamour, diamonds, blond hair and bare skin than ever seen before anywhere in the industrialized world.

After being entertained by that dazzling wit and cheerleading master of the primal scream, Howard Dean, and a reasonable number of half-naked ladies dancing to filthy rap music (no five-second delays here), the winners will be announced with fanfare equaling a coronation.

They will tearfully thank their campaign managers, their big-money contributors, their wives, their mistresses, their speechwriters, their spin-doctors and the boiler-room girls. They’ll walk off with the offices they’ve won and gold statuettes of everyone’s favorite, George Washington. Right. The Georgie.

Afterward, wading through miles of cameras and hordes of paparazzi, it’s off to the Governors Ball, the Winner’s Ball, the Loser’s Ball, the People’s Ball and the Bacchanalian Ball. What a day! What a night! Booze, laughter, seduction, balloons, confetti, music.... But the catch is, you see, you won’t be able to participate in any of this unless you can furnish proof of having voted.

It’s a show-biz, razzle-dazzle, rock ‘n’ roll world, folks. Let’s make it work for America.

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Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He’s at [email protected].