Each gift more perfect than the last -- or else

What sinister person, and by that I mean “girlfriend,” cruelly inserted Valentine’s Day into the calendar less than two months after Christmas? That’s not much down time. I once dated a woman whose birthday fell in late January. You’ve never known such pressure: Christmas. Her birthday. Valentine’s Day.

Or as I like to call it -- “A Series of Unfortunate Events.”

When did giving gifts get so hard? It’s so easy when you’re a kid. Just pick out the hot new toy and you’re done. But there’s nothing more agonizing than watching the average adult male shop for his significant recipient (unless she likes Barbies, candy and water pistols -- in which case, what a cool chick).

First step: You have to plan ahead. Women can tell if you leave it until the last minute. “Oh -- a giant milk chocolate bunny,” she’ll glare. And she won’t speak to you for days and days. And if she does speak, she’ll have that tone.

You know the tone.

Now then, since Feb. 14 rapidly approaches, this is the right time to figure out which present goes with which holiday. Experience shows you have to tread carefully through this annual gift-giving minefield.

Valentine’s Day

If you’re like me, you’ll head straight for the lingerie. Ha! Who are you kidding? You’re just looking for an excuse to peruse the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Sorry to pop your bubble, but a tiny swatch of black satin and lace historically qualifies as a present for you.

Flowers? Yes, a Valentine’s Day staple. And please, let an experienced florist put something special together. You don’t know daffodils from dandelions, and 8:30 p.m. on the night of Feb. 13 is no time to start studying botany.

You also want to throw your heart and soul into the attached card. For example, this year, mine reads: “My dearest Jennifer, Happy Valentine’s Day! Unlike a certain someone I won’t mention, I totally support your blossoming movie career and will wait until you’re good and ready to start a family. Fondest, Howard. (P.S. Honestly, I thought ‘Ocean’s Twelve’ was way overrated.)”

In any event, try to think of something warm and sincere, even if your newest therapist keeps insisting you’re hopelessly cut off from your true feelings.

Still, flowers alone don’t get the job done. No. V-Day is the time to break out the heavy artillery. That’s why Tiffany invented precious metals. An 18-karat gold necklace, perhaps. I saw a sterling silver soap dish for $495. A steal at that price. Hey -- no whining! Think of the sheer joy she brings to your life.

Her birthday

Lacks the all-out romantic sizzle of Valentine’s Day, but it’s a big deal nonetheless. So what do you get her? Casually pick up on hints she may drop throughout the year so you can choose something she really needs -- like a pool table. Better yet, ask her female friends what she might like, because honestly, you don’t have the first clue.

My advice: diamonds. Or a cute little convertible. Nothing gaudy. Under $30,000, if necessary. I thought I said no whining! Do you want to come out of this looking good or not?

Christmas

A four-bedroom house.

I know, I know -- but true love involves some sacrifice, especially in a blue state such as ours, where people don’t always take that “for better or for worse” business to heart. No sense playing the odds. Big new homes get a gal’s attention like nothing else. No more “he’s just not that into me” nonsense swirling in her pretty little head.

Let’s go gentlemen. Your passionate love might transcend time, but who knows how long these low, low mortgage rates will last?

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Howard Leff can be reached at [email protected].