Don’t Like L.A.? Try Leavin’ on a Midnight Train to San Jose

Don’t know if you heard, but a new survey of Los Angeles County residents found that one-third want to move away out of disgust with the traffic, crime, real estate prices, the Lakers, etc.

I guess it’s time to replace “I Love L.A.” as this city’s anthem. How about, “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane”?

Alternate selections: Other possible L.A. songs to capture the mood of escape could be:

* “Midnight Train to Georgia,” sung by Gladys Knight and the Pips (“L.A. proved too much for the man/ So he’s leavin’ ”)

* “Los Angeles,” by the rock group X (“She had to get out/Get out/Get out/Get out”)

* “Come Monday,” by Jimmy Buffett (“Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight/ I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze”)

* “The Last Resort,” by the Eagles (“They called it paradise/ I don’t know why”)

* “Do You Know the Way to San Jose,” by Dionne Warwick (“L.A. is a great big freeway”)

* “You’re the Reason God Made Oklahoma,” by David Frizzell and Shelly West (“Santa Monica Freeway sometimes makes a country girl blue -- ooh, ooh”)

Look, I love L.A. But I’m citing these lyrics for a reason -- to encourage those malcontents to move. Imagine what traffic would be like here if one-third of the population skedaddled. This would be called paradise -- and we’d all know why....

Hey, what about a little understanding? “Is this what seniors need?” asked Rose Real of Banning, enclosing an ad for a retirement community where management evidently doesn’t hesitate to vent at the residents (see accompanying).

Name game: In Sherman Oaks, Alan Simon was served by a waitress who was evidently meant to be in the restaurant biz (see accompanying).

Gloom room: “There are days I feel I entered this door into a land of futility, not just a room,” said Judy McDermott of Granada Hills (see photo). But don’t move out of L.A., Judy! I need all the contributors I can get.

Attention, masochists: Funny, how one burnt-out letter on a sign can make a paint store look like a Hollywood bondage parlor (see photo).

miscelLAny: In the What-Were-They-Thinking? file, Kathy Schupbach of Laguna Niguel noticed a bus bench that carried a missing children’s poster next to a space-available promo that said, “We’d love to see you here!”

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATimes, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at [email protected].