Carol Rock -- GUEST COLUMNIST

I got the most incredible Valentine on Monday. Our 19-year-old daughter

called from New York with some great news -- she had finally reached her

goal weight of 115 pounds. This was cause for jubilation around our

house, but the joy was tempered with caution. We’ve been here before.

Will this last?

Common thinking is probably leading the reader to ask how she achieved

this wondrous “perfect” weight. Was it the protein diet? Restricting

glutens? Did she have a personal trainer? What did she weigh before and

how can they be as successful as her?

But we were celebrating the fact that our daughter o7 gainedf7 her way

to 115 -- a long and arduous process that involved consuming things she

didn’t like and restricting her activities to prevent her from burning

calories.

You see, she’s not a college student away from home. She is a patient at

the Columbia University eating disorders program, housed at the New York

State Psychiatric Institute where she is being treated her for anorexia

nervosa.

When I took her there in November, I practically had to carry her into

the hospital. She weighed 61 pounds. She needed help to get dressed, it

hurt her to sit down or lay in bed and her own organs were about to be

used for fuel in her body’s desperate attempt to stay alive.

Last year, she spent five months in the UCLA eating disorders program,

where she gained enough to check out at 105, But after she was

discharged, she quickly slipped back into old habits.

To our knowledge, resources in our hometown were nonexistent and our

daughter was going to die if she didn’t get help a second time.

That’s why she’s in New York and why she asked me to write this column --

so that it may help others.

Anorexia and its sister affliction, bulimia, are mental health problems

that largely go unnoticed by the medical community -- despite the fact

that both are life-threatening.

Doctors don’t know much about eating disorders unless they have been

specially trained. Blood tests, administered when thin patients come in

for help, show nothing out of the ordinary unless technicians know what

to look for. And anorexia has one of the highest death rates among

psychiatric illnesses, but no federal funding. There is money for

alcoholism and drug addiction, but patients starve to death every day.

Anorexia is perceived by many as self-induced starvation that the victims

can start and stop at will. Well-meaning people offer cookies and

hamburgers and cakes as their way of saying “get over it -- eat

something.”

Wish it was that simple. Both anorexia and bulimia are illnesses that

most of us just don’t understand. To an anorexic, dieting is not a vanity

issue; rather it’s a coping mechanism to deal with stress, self-hate,

hurt and shame.

Our daughter knows that if she doesn’t eat, she could die. But something

inside stops her from consuming what the rest of us consider a “normal”

meal.

There were times we would go into a restaurant and have to turn around

and leave because it scared her. I would ask what was scaring her and her

answer would be “the food.”

Rational? To her it was. And that’s all that counts to someone with an

eating disorder.

Try being a parent of an anorexic and getting looks from strangers that

say “Look at her, she’s not feeding her own child.” It’s happened. And

there’s nothing I or any other parent in my situation can do about it but

to try to educate the ignorant.

Part of our coping mechanism is logging online to one of several groups

that deal with eating disorders and touching base with other parents to

share our frustration and pain.

A few weeks ago, another set of parents logged on, asking for help for

their anorexic 13-year-old, who had been in several treatment programs.

Parents from all over the continent jumped in, offering their advice.

The third time these parents logged on, the father was writing from the

surgical waiting room -- his daughter had a heart attack that morning and

was undergoing open-heart surgery. His wife, a diabetic, had also been

admitted to the hospital for stabilization.

Two days later, the wife logged on, thanking people for their thoughts

and prayers, saying that their daughter had been changed -- I believe her

word was “scared” -- by the heart attack and that they were able to get

her some help.

Again, parents logged on and offered encouragement.

This morning, when I logged on to share my good news, there was a

bulletin from the girl’s father. His daughter had died Saturday morning.

She simply ran out of time.

Anorexics gain control of what they perceive as perfection by starving

themselves. Even though their bones protrude, they see themselves as fat.

Defined “at risk” when they are 15% below their normal body weight (our

daughter was 55% below her normal weight at admission), their menstrual

cycles stop (if they ever started, as some girls are affected by anorexia

before puberty) and they are consumed with a compulsiveness about food

that rivals master chefs. They often collect recipes and talk about food,

cooking elaborate feasts for others, but denying themselves sustenance.

Bulimics may eat hearty meals with the crowd, but privately purge

themselves of the pleasure by vomiting, using laxatives, diuretics and

enemas as well as excessive exercise.

Both anorexia and bulimia are mistakenly believed to be illnesses that

affect white, affluent young women, but an increasing number of cases are

being found in males and minorities. It affects all age groups and all

ethnicities.

Eating disorders do not discriminate. Everyone is welcome to low

self-esteem, a cornerstone in the eating disorder profile.

This is Eating Disorders Awareness Week, a movement started by the

national Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention group in an attempt to

focus education and outreach efforts with parents, teachers, therapists,

doctors, nutritionists and friends.

The group hopes to change cultural attitudes and values contributing to

eating disorders and help those afflicted to break the cycle. Their

theme, “Don’t Weigh Your Self-Esteem ... It’s What’s Inside That Counts”

goes right to the heart of the matter.

Anorexics and bulimics are still loving, caring, intelligent, giving

members of society who must deal with an inner “bastard” (my daughter’s

word for it) that gets in the way every minute of every day.

If you have a child, relative, classmate or friend you suspect may be

suffering from an eating disorder, talk to them. Tell them you care and

that you’ll do whatever it takes to get them some help. Then make sure

they do.

If you are a parent, know that you’re not alone. Go on line (o7

www.something-fishy.orgf7 is an excellent source for information and

support, or log on to the National Institute of Mental Health Web site,

o7 www.allhealth.comf7 ) or call groups such as EADP or ANAD for free

information.

We are fortunate to have a safety net of friends who are making sure our

daughter has help. We’re proud of her progress, but know this battle is

only one in a lifelong struggle. We’re hoping and praying it’s one she

will win, so she lives to see many more Valentine’s Days.

* CAROL ROCK is a Santa Clarita resident and columnist for Our Times. She

can be reached via e-mail at o7 [email protected] .